


Comfort me and ease my troubled mind

by bestaceinspace



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Alternate Universe - Mental Institution, F/F, Femslash, I'm really sorry if I end up tagging this the wrong way, Past Drug Use, Residential treatment facility, spn femslash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-28
Updated: 2014-02-28
Packaged: 2018-01-13 22:28:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,179
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1242886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bestaceinspace/pseuds/bestaceinspace
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She is light and shelter and you want to hide in everything she is because you don’t like yourself when you are alone. But Anna… You never thought something so beautiful could exist, but Anna, Anna is all the beautiful you thought never existed in the world.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Comfort me and ease my troubled mind

The first time you see her, you kind of want to kill her, for starters. She is sitting by the piano in the recreative area, the same piano you had never seen anyone play before. Well, until her.

You walk into the room, making sure that your steps are audible as to make your presence clear, but the red haired girl doesn’t look back and keep playing a soft melody. Not so soft for your ears, though, especially since you have a terrible headache and want to tear the world down, if you could. Sometimes you just feel so much rage you wish you could set everything on fire so you didn’t have to deal with anything anymore.

 _“It’s not how things work here, Ruby”,_ you have been told a couple days after you arrived in this hell disguised as an institution. A place for dumb asses, kids with problems at home or involvement with drugs and bad behavior, like you.

“Could you please stop with that shit?” You tell her while you throw yourself against the cushions of the couch close to where the piano is. In front of you there is a ping pong table and thankfully there’s no one playing it.

“I’m sorry?” The girl stops playing (finally, you tell yourself, almost thanking the lord, if you believed in one). She turns to face you, her red hair dancing around her shoulders. She looks at you with eyes that almost sparkle, with a softness you have never seen before, a smile that isn’t cynical or judgmental. You think with no second thought _this girl is weird._

“Your damn music”, you speak again, annoyed to have to repeat yourself. “Could you please stop, my head is killing me.”

“Oh, sorry”, she says. She says sorry too much, you notice. She looks like someone who tries to please everyone for some reason, or maybe she is that naïve and, well, good.

“Yeah, say that to my brain falling off my ears”, you say, harshly.

She goes quiet then, all of a sudden. She shifts her weight so she can face you. She keeps sitting there, staring at you once in a while, what you find extremely annoying, of course, because that probably means she is analyzing you and that’s never fun. Maybe you should have left her playing; at least she was paying attention to something else.

“I have never seen you here”, you speak again eventually, looking up at her. She makes eye contact with you and smiles.

“Oh, I’m new”, she explains. “I started today, actually”. And she seems so excited while she talks. _Poor kid._ “I’m Anna.”

You just stare at her for a while until you realize that you should probably say your name in return. Well, damn. Why did you even start this conversation? Your brain can be a bitch sometimes, that’s for sure.

“Ruby”, you say simply. “Why are you here?”

“Like I said, I started today”, Anna says.

“Yeah”, you say, impatiently. “Yeah, I know, but what made you want to come here and deal with all these dumb fucked up kids? Did someone force you? Did you lose a bet?”

“Ruby”, Anna says your name in the middle of a laugh, and you think you never heard your name being said like that. “No, I volunteered.”

“You are crazy”, you don’t even think twice before saying it. Anna looks extremely confused, but her smile is still there, even if a small one.

“I’m not”, she says, crossing her arms. And after a while, she asks “and you?”

“What about me?”

“Why are _you_ here, Ruby?” Anna asks, intrigued.

“Is this part of what you have to do?” You question her. “Get into people’s heads and try to cure them with puppies and sunshine?”

“I’m not here to cure anyone”, she answers honestly.

“So why are you here for?” You push.

“Are you really that annoyed about my presence?”

“I’m just curious.”

“I could say the same”, Anna says, smiling at you again, something hidden deep down in that too bright of a face. Soon, realizing that you won’t speak again, she lets out “I just want to help people.”

“You are definitely crazy”, you tell her, and this time, the smile you see on Anna’s lips is different somehow. She says “aren’t we all?” and you realize that maybe, _just maybe_ , you can learn to _deal_ with her.

.

You see her again in the same place as the first time you two met, and she is doing the exact same thing: playing the piano.

It’s a soft melody, and if you get close enough you can almost hear Anna whispering some lyric to go with the song.

 _“It’s not somebody who’s seen the light”,_ you hear while you stand right behind her. She doesn’t move, and her fingers keep dancing though the keyboard like she was born with that talent. _“It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah… Hallelujah. Hallel—“_

But Anna stops suddenly, letting her arms fall beside her body; she lowers her head and looks down. You don’t know what to do; obviously, you didn’t have the intention to let her notice you just yet neither had you known you would want to stay and listen to her. You didn’t expect her voice to drown you, pulling you closer. Something in her voice broke, you think, while she was singing those last words.

“Anna?” You call. She almost jumps when she hears your voice. She stands up and looks at you, terrified like she has just seen a ghost.

“Ruby!” She says voice in a high pitch. “What are you doing?”

“I was about to tell you to stop with the music but you stopped without me asking so—“

“You heard?” Anna asks you, and for the first time you notice that her eyes seen a bit red and she looks tired.

“Don’t worry, I just got here”, you tell her. “I listened to the last two phrases. You are not so bad, you crazy red head.”

“My—“, she beings, uncertain. “My mother taught me.” And something in Anna’s voice breaks again. You don’t know how, but you notice these things more quickly in her.

“What does your mother do?” You ask, not knowing why the hell it feels important to you to keep the conversation going. “Is she a teacher?”

“She was”, Anna says. She looks down at her feet, her eyes turning red again and she looks like she is about to… Oh, _oh._ Now you understand. “She is—“, Anna keeps talking, and this is something you simply can’t understand why. _Why, of all people, would she talk to me? Like, I can’t be of much help, can I?_

“I’m sorry”, you say before she can finish. She looks up at you and her eyes are watery, and you don’t know what to do so you just stand still like a rock. She eventually shakes her head and looks away.

“I’m sorry, Ruby”, she tells you. “I’m probably bothering you, I should go. You know. Do what I’m here for. Not throwing things at you like that. I’m sorry”, she says one more time before leaving you alone in the now quiet room.

.

You are sitting comfortably on the couch, watching TV, when Anna shows up one day, about two months after you met her, and asks you:

“Why are you not outside?”

You look away from the stupid movie you are watching and look up at Anna.

“And play sports with all those assholes? No thanks.”

She sits down next to you, and you move a bit to the side, away from her, not really knowing why. She keeps looking at you, a little smile on her lips. Always that damn smile.

“You are not very sociable, are you?”

“And you are kind of a nosy, aren’t you?” You quickly say. Some seconds pass, but you know the conversation isn’t going to be over soon. Not with Anna around.

“I have been told you don’t participate much”, Anna says, and God, is like she is analyzing you all over again.

“Is that so?” You ask. Anna shakes her head yes. “And do you think I give a shit?”

“Ruby”, she simply says, and you roll your eyes, pitching at your left arm, your nails leaving red marks on your pale skin. Anna moves closer and looks at you, pensive.

“Ruby”, she says your name again. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, yeah”, you answer, perhaps too quickly. “Don’t burn your red head for that.”

“Ruby…”

“Stop saying my name like that”, you snap. You look at her thinking ‘what the fuck’, you just want to be left alone, and that’s why you didn’t want to go out there in the first place. You don’t need anyone around you asking you how you feel, it’s just annoying, and the way Anna seems to want to be here with you…

“Like what?” Anna asks, visibly confused. _Like you care,_ you think but don’t say.You just look at her and roll your eyes, still pitching at your arm, and your head starts to hurt and…

“Ruby”, Anna says again. “You can talk to me, in fact…”

“What?”

“They sent me here to check up on you.”

“Why?”

“They are worried”, Anna explains. “ _I’m_ worried.”

“You?” You ask, feeling a bit dumb. You are asking too many questions, like _you_ care what she has to say.

“You don’t look fine.”

“You are the one saying that”, you fight back, shutting your eyes, and suddenly the lights are too bright, like they could burn your retina. “I didn’t say anything.”

“Is your head again, isn’t it?”

 _Bingo._ Why is she so good at noticing things? You ask yourself. It would be so much easier if Anna didn’t see things as clear as she does. You stay quiet.

“I might be able to do something about it.”

“What are you gonna do?” You ask, suspicious. Anna doesn’t say anything; she just moves closer to you and lifts both her hands to rest them against your cheeks, her fingertips in each side of your temples.

“Anna, what—“

“Just close your eyes”, she orders, voice as calm as always. “Trust me”, she asks, and you don’t why, but you do. In the few seconds you have to decide whether you close your eyes or move away, you decide to stay. You feel Anna start to move her fingers in circles, massaging your temple and, somehow, it works. It starts to make you feel calmer and the pain is not so strong anymore. Everything feels lighter with Anna’s touch against your skin, and you can feel her breath close and closer to your mouth, she keeps moving for a while, until her fingers stop but she keeps holding your face in her warm palms. You keep your eyes closed, not daring to face her, and when you think she is going to move away, her mouth presses against yours in a light kiss. She feels uncertain, you can sense it, and her lips move slowly against yours, her hands still holding onto you but not with the same strength as before. When she is about to leave her hands fall and push away, you decide to pass your arms around her waist, pulling her closer, making her almost sit on your lap. Her hands move gently to your neck, her fingers finding their place in the middle of your dark hair. Anna lets out a moan when your fingers hold on tight against her waist. She parts her lips, allowing you to slip your tongue slowly into her mouth, exploring and tasting all of Anna’s sweetness. You feel intoxicated by her, but not in a bad way. You feel pulled towards her, because she is light and everything you never thought could exist in a human being. She is everything you never thought you’d have the chance to find. So, when she finally let’s go, it’s only fair you feel betrayed. You feel like there will never be enough of it, of _this_. Anna shouldn’t be able to be like this if she is not around you, with you, with her mouth and body pressed against you.

She is light and shelter and you want to hide in everything she is because you don’t like yourself when you are alone. But Anna… You never thought something so beautiful could exist, but Anna, Anna _is_ all the beautiful you thought never existed in the world.

“Well, when you started, I never imagined this was what you were gonna do”, you say, with nothing else coming to your mind. Of course you curse yourself inside your head after you say the words.

“I’m sorry”, Anna says, letting go of your hair, leaving warm spots where her hands had been. “I’m sorry, Ruby, I—“

“Stop saying sorry all the time”, you tell her and you might not realize it, but you smile. You _smile_ at her.

“I’m—“; she starts, but suddenly stops.

“It’s okay”, you let her know. “Anna, really…” But you don’t really know what else to say, you don’t know what you are even thinking about right now. You don’t even feel your head pulsing anymore. _Anna,_ you think, and her name sounds so good inside your head like it had always been made to be there, to be a part of your thoughts.

“Are you feeling better?” She asks, worried. You realize you still have your hands around her waist, but it doesn’t seem like Anna minds it. She eventually rests her arms against your shoulders, still holding back her hands, though, uncertainty in her eyes.

“Yeah”, you say, and she smiles. “I’m much better. I think we should do that again, you know, it really helps.”

Anna just smiles shyly, fingers in your hair again. You see her cheeks turn red right before you close your eyes and kiss her again.

.

“Aren’t you gonna get into trouble?” You ask when you are both laying on the incredibly tiny bed of your room. It both sucks and it’s great at the same time, you think, at least it means you two have one more reason to stay close to each other. You are lying on your back while Anna is on her side, facing you, her leg basically on top of your thigh, which isn’t distracting at all. “Your shift is over, right?” You ask, and Anna moves a bit closer to you, with no intention to stand up so soon.

“It is”, she says, “but I just checked in as a visitor, that’s why I’m still here.”

“Lucky me”, you say to what she smiles, and it makes you smile, too. _God, this girl._ She has her arms around you, hand on the side of your face, warm against your cheek and she leans in to kiss you. You’ve been doing this for a while, that’s true, but you never really understood why, to be honest. Anna doesn’t even know some things about you, and you don’t know much about her, either. The only thing you know is that her mother had passed away about two years ago, something that Anna never mentioned again. Suddenly, she stops kissing you, sensing something is not right.

“What’s wrong?” she asks like she has some kind of special vision to see through people’s façades.

“Nothing”, you lie. She just rests her head against the pillow you two are sharing and stares at you with bright eyes, questioning without speaking.

“Ruby”, she simply says, starring at you, waiting patiently.

“I don’t understand some things.”

“What things?”

“Like why are you here?”

“Are you gonna go through all that ‘why did you decide to volunteer’ crap?”

“No”, you quickly say. “Why are you here _with me_?”

“I believe I was kissing you, Ruby, that’s why”, Anna says, playfully, but your face doesn’t change. You still can’t believe why Anna, of all people, would be with someone like you, be in _a place_ like this.

“Anna.”

“I like you”, she says like it’s the most obvious thing in the world.

“You are crazy”, you roll your eyes. Anna moves as so she is sitting down, resting her back against the white wall behind your bed.

“Can you please stop calling me crazy?” Anna asks and, well, this time she does look a bit offended.

“You don’t even know much about me”, you speak. She crosses her arms while you sit down too, your shoulders pressing together in the tiny space.

“Then tell me something about you”, Anna offers. You stop for a moment and think through it. No, not a good idea, because what Anna does know is maybe too much already, and all the other things, well, you don’t really want her to know, do you?

“Ruby?”

“I don’t know, Anna, I believe you said you weren’t here to cure people.”

“Why does that have to do with anything?” She asks, and you feel lost in the conversation already. You regret the things you said and you feel like you will regret even more if you keep talking. “I just want you to talk to me, about anything.”

“Anna, I’m one of the messed up kids”, you tell her and it makes you feel sick. She doesn’t deserve this. She should go away, run when there’s still time.

“Do you really think that the reason I’m here it’s because I have to?” Anna explains to you. She lets her head fall to the side and she looks at you like everything can be okay in the end when what you know is no, it can’t. “Ruby, you are not an obligation.”

“I can’t believe you truly like me, Anna”, you tell her finally, and something definitely breaks. You can see it in her eyes and how her tiny smile, the one that’s always there, on her lips, vanishes completely. She opens her mouth a couple times but she gives up because no sound comes out. She blinks once, twice, she stares at you, and she looks betrayed, she looks sad. She looks the way you never thought she could ever look like. She is not that Anna, the one playing the piano months ago when you two first met, the girl with the bright smile, full of life.

“Then I don’t think you ever liked me, either, did you?” She eventually speaks, voice just a whisper. You don’t say anything. You try and you think about something but there’s nothing you can come up with to tell her. She eventually steps away from you, leaving her side of the bed empty. She leaves you without looking behind, bright red hair flowing while she moves away from you, and maybe that’s best, you think, maybe that’s what’s supposed to be, but something still doesn’t feel right.

If there was ever something beautiful about Anna, you helped breaking it tonight.

.

The next time you see Anna (and not just glances when you occasionally run into each other) it has been a few weeks, you don’t even remember how much anymore. She is sitting on one of the benches outside the institution, her hair looking even redder under the sunshine. She is not really looking at anything, just ahead, maybe watching the trees or maybe just trying to think about nothing, her face impossible for you to read. She seems different than when the first time you met her but her serenity is still there, untouchable. Anna stares down at her hands resting on her lap, she looks peaceful, even, and you have to stop for a minute and rethink what you are going to do. Maybe you should just walk away, never look back, let her move on with her life, but she sees you before you can step back and go in another direction.

“Ruby?” She asks. You look at the floor and you cross your arms, tying to mask the fact that you are nervous.

“Hey”, you say.

“Hey”, she greets back.

“How are you doing?” _Great, awesome question, Ruby._

“I’m alright”, Anna says. “How have you been?”

“Good”, you say. _Missing you_. “Look”, you add, getting closer to sit down beside Anna on the bench. She moves quickly to make room for you, and you think _why would she still want me around?_

“I’m stupid. You didn’t deserve what I did”, you say, honesty in your voice. It’s the first time in a long time you are honest about something.

“I know that you might not trust me, and I understand”, Anna says, looking at her hands again. “It’s okay if you don’t want to be with me.”

“Anna”, you breathe out and her name is heavy in your tongue. Your head hurts with all the things you didn’t tell her, things you wish you didn’t have to remember.

“I used to own a guitar”, you say, starting with the most random thing, probably. Anna doesn’t speak; she just stares up at you and listens. “But I ended up selling it, like I sold many things to, you know”, _drugs,_ you add mentally and you are glad you don’t have to say it because Anna is shaking her head. She understands. Relieved, you keep going. “I’m clean now, though”, you explain quickly. “They sent me to this rehab, and I was fine, at least that’s what they told me, but then I had to come to this place because…”, you keep talking, the words just coming out of your mouth unstoppably. “My parents didn’t want me. I did steal a lot of things from the house, got in a lot of fights for nothing back at school. I mean, I totally get it. I guess I’m the person no one wants around.”

“Is that why you were so angry to hear me playing the piano?” Anna asks you, and you look at her not believing. Of all that you told her, that’s the thing she focused on.

“I guess you made me realize that there are things about my past that are not so horrible”, you explain.  “But I can’t have that back, Anna.”

“You don’t know that”, Anna says simply. She doesn’t look at you with fear, she doesn’t make you feel unwanted, and that is as weird as it can get.

“Aren’t you angry I didn’t tell you anything?” You ask, curious.

“You know”, Anna speaks, looking at something in front of her, her eyes wandering through her thoughts, far away where you can’t get to her. “I realized that there is no point in feeling angry all the time. It won’t change anything, in the end.”

You don’t say anything; you simply listen and let Anna take her time.

“My mom was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis”, Anna says still looking forward. “At first, we didn’t believe it since she had always been so full of life. She was healthy; she knew all these songs at the top of her head. She was brilliant. She was talented. We didn’t expect it when she—“

Something breaks in Anna’s voice and the last words are hoarsely said.

“I mean”, she goes on. “It was hard going to visit her because she didn’t recognize any of us anymore.”

You notice she is about to cry but you can’t think of anything to say that would help. You can’t think of anything to do. You watch her shoulders shake a little before she continues.

“I always wanted to study psychology”, Anna says, rubbing her eyes with the back of her hand. “That’s one of the reasons why I came here but—“, she looks at you briefly and then back at her hands.

“I’m stuck, Ruby, that’s the truth. I guess I stopped in time and I’m terrified of staying here, but, at the same time, I can’t move on, because I’m afraid I’ll never stop feeling lost.”

“Anna”, you let out, almost inaudible.

“So when I said I wasn’t here to cure people, I meant it, because I can’t even help myself, which is stupid and pathetic and—“

“It doesn’t mean you didn’t help anyone”, you cut her off. She looks curiously at you, eyes shining with formed tears ready to fall. You reach out then, not wanting to talk anymore, and you take her hand in yours. You knot your fingers through hers and, surprisingly, she lets you. Maybe everything’s not lost.

.

Anna appears on the next day carrying a guitar on her arms.  She knocks at your door early in the morning, and you are ready to yell a ‘fuck off’ to whoever is at your door, but you stop when you recognize a red head with your blurry eyes.

“Anna”, your voice is hoarse with sleep. “What the hell?”

“Good morning to you, too”, she says walking towards your bed and sitting down. She drops the guitar by your feet and says nothing. You look at it and then back at Anna, frowning.

“What is this?”

“Uh, a guitar?” Anna tells you, rolling her eyes. “It was on my mother’s attic, collecting dust.”

“I can’t take it”, you say quickly, adjusting yourself in the bed.

“I’m not giving it to you”, she tells you, playfully. “Maybe I might, though, if you promise to play me something with it.”

“Anna”, you feel uncertain, making eye contact. “I’m not sure I can even play anything anymore.”

“Yes, you can.”

“You don’t give up easily, do you?”

Anna just shakes her head no.

“What was that song you were singing that day?” You ask, trying to make the conversation about anything other than you.

“Hallelujah?” Anna says. “Don’t tell me you never heard it before.”

You don’t say anything because, really, you had never heard the song before that day when Anna was singing it, part of it, actually, the only thing you remember is the soft melody it had and how Anna’s voice was beautiful. You wish you could hear her sing again.

“You should sing to me so I’d know”, you suggest. Anna looks down, avoiding making eye contact. When she speaks again, her voice is so low you think you wouldn’t hear if she wasn’t sitting so close.

“I can’t, Ruby”, she says. “I tried that day, but… I thought that coming here, being away from home, away from the memories of my mom would help, but I guess I was wrong.”

She reaches out for your hand then, and you let her take it with both her hands. Anna is warm and serene even while saying things that are so hurtful to her. You like her, that’s the truth, and you admire this girl, even though she pissed you off in the beginning but now… Now you think that you could make things right.

“I tell you what”, you speak. She looks at you, still holding your hand between hers. “I’ll play something for you but—“

“There is always a ‘but’…”

“You have to promise me you will try and sing that song to me.”

“Ruby, you don’t want to hear me sing, really.”

“Why not?” You ask, surprised. Of course you want to. “You are good.”

“I’m really not… My voice…”

“It’s beautiful”, you say before you can stop the words from getting out of your mouth. Anna looks at you visibly surprise and, well, let’s just say you are as shocked as her at this point. You look away, feeling your face get warm. Anna looks at you with tears in her eyes, and you feel her arms being thrown around you in a hug. She sniffs into your hair, hiding her face in it, and you simply hug her back, your arms around her waist.

“I promise”, she says.

.

The next time you see each other, you play some chords you somehow remember. A part of an AC/DC song or whatever, and it doesn’t matter because Anna wouldn’t know it anyway, so you just play it, not looking at her, and when you are done, she kisses you lightly in the mouth and says “thank you, Ruby”. She takes you by the hand and leads you to the piano, where she sits down, making you sit next to her.

She starts slowly moving her fingers though the keyboard, hands shaking a little. You move closer, if it is even possible, and holds her by the waist with one arm. She seems to relax a bit, looking at you one last time before closing her eyes and start to play.

Maybe she is thinking about her mother, you try to guess but, in the end, she sings the whole song without stopping and she smiles at you when the song ends. You don’t really know what to say, and she has tears in her eyes, tears that don’t fall. Silence falls, and you just look at each other. You need to tell her something, you need to tell her sooner or later.

“I have something to tell you”, Anna speaks before you can.

“Me too”, you say, letting go of her waist so you can face her. “Uh, you go first”, you offer. She sighs and takes a deep breath.

“I’m going to leave soon, for good.”

“Did you finally get tired of us crazy kids?” You joke. She rolls her eyes at you, like always.

“My time as a volunteer will be over and I... I’m going to college”, she keeps talking, and you can see it in her eyes how excited she feels. “I’m going to study psychology.”

“That’s great”, you say, but a piece of you is not so happy about it. “I’m leaving, too. Gonna go back to my folks, they finally decided to have me back, I suppose.”

“I’m sure they finally saw in you what I’ve always seen.”

“What?”

“I see there’s good in you, Ruby.”

“That’s because you are full of it so you think everyone can be good too”, you try, but she shakes her head.

“Don’t even start”, she threatens. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah”, you easily say. Anna seems unsure, scared even. When she does ask you the question, her voice shakes a bit.

“Are we going to see each other again? I mean, out there?”

“Do you want to?” You ask, a bit afraid of what she might answer.

“Of course I do.”

“What can I say then?” You tell her with a playful smile on your lips, and Anna’s eyes seen to soften when she sees you smile. “I think you totally deserve a proper date.”

“I’d love that”, she says. She moves closer to you and hides her hands on your hair, because she loves doing it, and holds you by the back of your neck.

“Okay”, you say before leaning in to kiss her.

If you ever thought there was something good about Anna, you have always been right. In the end, maybe, there have always been something good about you, too, and you can’t think of anyone else to thank than the girl in front of you.


End file.
